


Buttercups buzz'd after the bee

by Petra



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Bodyswap, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-27
Updated: 2007-06-27
Packaged: 2019-11-26 09:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18178784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra
Summary: Jim Gordon / switches bodies with a villain.





	Buttercups buzz'd after the bee

**Author's Note:**

> For Betty, who took a line from the DCU crack generator and made it something beautiful.

Renee has never seen the Commissioner dance before. This is one instance in which ignorance is bliss, but it's too late now. He's also singing and clapping his hands as he climbs the stairs. "I get to play with the Bat-signal, I get to play with the Bat-signal!"

She has served with Jim Gordon. She knows Jim Gordon. Jim Gordon is a friend of hers.

This man, whomever he is, is no Jim Gordon.

At least on the roof, the entire bullpen won't be able to watch this little display.

Stacy pulls on Renee's sleeve. "Is he all right?"

Renee shakes her head. "I doubt it, but we can use some help."

"Whoaaa," Gordon says when they reach the roof, "what a great view!" As if he hasn't seen it practically every night for years. He runs his hand over the curve of the bat-signal. "Where's the button?"

Stacy, paler even than normal, says, "Let me do that for you, sir."

"Lights, camera, action!" Gordon ducks behind the signal and peers out. "How long have we got?" he whispers to Renee.

She presses her fingers to the bridge of her nose. "Hopefully not long, sir."

It is five minutes, but even that seems like a small eternity.

Batman lands behind the signal and says, "Commissioner Gordon." He's apparently never seen Gordon playing hide-and-seek either.

Gordon stands up with the biggest smile Renee has ever seen on him and throws his arms around Batman's neck.

That's only marginally less disturbing than the loud, wet kiss he plants on Batman.

Renee may never sleep soundly again.

"Jeez, Batsy, am I glad to see you!"

Batman gets his arms pinned behind his back in half a second and gives Renee what manages to be an embarrassed and chagrined look without the benefit of full facial exposure. He's also blushing. "What happened to the Commissioner?" he asks, his voice rough.

"Don't be so mean," Gordon says, wriggling. "I didn't do nothin'!"

Renee shakes her head. "Your guess is as good as ours." She looks at Gordon, bouncing up and down, and then at Batman, who is much less impassive than normal. "But the sooner you figure it out --"

"-- the better, clearly," Batman says. "I'll see what I can do."

"Does this mean we get to fly?" Gordon asks, craning his neck around to look at Batman. "Gee, I've been looking forward to that since we turned on the big flashlight."

Renee can't see Batman's eyes, but somehow it's obvious that he's closed them in a pained expression, even if it's just for a second. "I'll restrain him in a secure location," he says to Renee. "I'll get to the bottom of this."

"Oh, boy!" Gordon says, even while Batman is zip-stripping his wrists. When they plunge off the side of the building, he shouts in glee.

"Better you than me," Renee says softly.

"That wasn't really Commissioner Gordon -- was it?" Stacy asks. "I mean, is he on drugs?"

"I'm sure Batman will figure it out," Renee says. Her fingers are crossed in her pocket, both in case he can't and for luck.

~^..^~

Jim is dreaming, and he half knows it -- Barbara hasn't spoken to him for a decade, let alone kissed him. His lips tingle in the dream and he pulls her close, buries his face in her soft red hair, and says her name.

He wakes up with a jolt when the woman in his arms pushes him away, laughing. "I think you need another dose of antivenin," she says, her full lips grinning at him from her pale -- green-tinged -- face.

He panics. He can't breathe. Poison Ivy -- he's going to die without an antidote, and he has none. He sits up, gasping for breath, and finds that it comes easily. "What the hell?"

She raises her eyebrow at him and pushes her long, red hair away from her face. "You've never called me 'Barbara' before, though it's certainly an improvement on 'Mistah J.' College roommate?"

He looks around -- last thing he knew, he was in his office, but now he's in a cell with Poison Ivy, who seems unsurprised to see him, but she's not gloating, either.

He glances down and stares at his own breasts.

They're really very nice breasts, but he's never had breasts before.

He cups one of them in his hand to find out if he's hallucinating, and -- nope, it's really his, and really attached.

Ivy chuckles. "I guess you really miss this Barbara, is that it?" She leans in and kisses Jim's cheek. "Think you can remember my name now, Harley?"

Jim still isn't dying, and now he knows what's going on -- to some extent -- he thinks it might be easier if he was susceptible to Poison Ivy's venom after all. He sent Harley Quinn back to Arkham last night after catching her in the Gotham Museum of Art and Culture, and --

Ivy kisses him again and even the parts of this that he can piece together make no sense.

"Isley," he says, and his voice isn't his voice. He sounds like Quinn, all squeaky and flat. "I -- have a headache."

She sits back and folds her arms under her own extremely present and pleasant breasts, giving him a skeptical look. "Okay, I guess. What did you just call me?"

Jim has no idea how they refer to each other. He knew, in a peripheral way, that they were cellmates, but that they're also lovers -- the thought would normally make him laugh -- and possibly file the thought away for later. Faced with an amorous Poison Ivy, he's not so amused. "Ivy," he says, tentatively. "Sorry, I had a rough night."

It took them seventeen blocks and six cruisers to stop Quinn. She had a Sri Lankan idol under her arm when they finally stopped her, and she handed it over to Jim reluctantly.

The idol looked entirely too much like the Joker, except with eight arms and a giant penis.

Jim puts his head in his hands.

"Aw, poor baby," Ivy says, and pets his -- Harley's -- someone's hair. "Did they forget to give you your meds?"

If he's not careful, he could end up straitjacketed in a padded cell, too high on Thorazine to remember who he really is. "I'm okay," he says, and rubs his temples. "It's just my head, really -- Pam."

She tilts his head up just enough to kiss his forehead. "I hope you feel better, Harl. Maybe you should get some more sleep."

He smiles weakly. "Thanks." The thought of how much worse this odd awakening could have been makes him shiver. If Arkham allowed cohabitation of heterosexual couples --

He doesn't even want to think about it.

Ivy puts her arms around him after he lies down and he does his best to get himself to sleep again. If he has to escape from Arkham, he needs much more information than he has right now.

~^..^~

"Pammy!"

Poison Ivy wakes up and stares around the cell. The last man who called her that in that tone of voice was her father, and he's dead.

The man hugging her is not her father. He's the police commissioner.

She pinches herself and doesn't wake up. "Let me go," she says, and glowers at him. He pouts back at her with an expression that looks like no one so much as -- "Harley?"

"Perhaps the police department should hire you," Batman says, dryly.

Ivy laughs. "I don't think they'd agree with you. What's wrong with -- her?"

Harley -- not the commissioner who's pouting -- gets out of bed and says, "Thank you, Batman."

Batman nods and sets down a strange and obscene statue. "If you both touch it at the same time, Jim --"

Harley nods. She looks focused -- more sane than she has in months.

"Do I have to?" the commissioner asks. Batman glowers at him and he takes a step away, holding up his hands defensively. "Okay, okay. But I want one of those spinny chairs like he has behind his desk."

Batman pats him -- possibly her -- on the shoulder. "I'll see what I can do when you're back to normal, Quinn. On the count of three --"

The commissioner and Harley grab the statue and then stare at each other.

There are no pyrotechnics, strange noises, or new smells.

Harley drops the statue -- the commissioner barely manages to hold onto it -- and leaps at Ivy, hugging her again and kissing her for good measure. "I'm back, I'm back!"

"That was efficient," the commissioner says.

Batman doesn't laugh, but if he did, it would sound like the noise he makes now. "Detective Montoya was -- perturbed."

The commissioner says, "I -- I'm sure she was."

"Didja miss me?" Harley asks, beaming at Ivy.

"You were only out for two nights," Ivy says, but when Harley's face falls, she relents. "Yes, I missed you." She kisses Harley's cheek as she starts to smile again and says, "Could we get some privacy here, boys?"

Batman and the commissioner are already gone.

Ivy smiles and kisses Harley again.  



End file.
